2013年諾貝爾文學(xué)獎(jiǎng)得主、加拿大當(dāng)代著名女作家艾麗絲?門羅的短篇小說《蒲露》(Prue)最早發(fā)表于1981年3月30日的《紐約客》雜志,后來收錄于她的第三部短篇小說集《木星的月亮》(The Moons of Jupiter)中。門羅本人曾把它描述成比她“通常寫的作品要更整潔一些的小說”(Struthers, 1983:10)。確實(shí),從篇幅上來看,它只有短短五頁左右。然而,整篇小說卻幾乎沒有半句冗余的詞匯,從頭至尾都保持著強(qiáng)烈的張力。
[1] Struthers,J.R.The Real Material:An Interview with Alice Mu-nro[A]//In:Louis K.MacKendrick,ed.Probable Fictions:AliceMunro’s Narrative Acts[C].Downsview,Ontario:ECW Press,1983.
[2] Martin,W.R.Alice Munro:Paradox and Parallel[M].Edmonton:University of Alberta Press,1987.
Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of[在損害……的情況下] yourself?
Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying no because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
After a while, I realized all these times of not saying no (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy on other people and not spending nearly as much time on myself. It was frustrating[令人沮喪的], especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say no.
Why We Find it Hard to Say “No”
To learn to say no, we have to first understand what we are resisting about it. Below are common
reasons why people find it hard to say no:
You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into[耗掉] your time.
Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying no, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Asian culture, where face-saving is important.
Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate[疏遠(yuǎn)] yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you conform to[符合] others’ ideas.
Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent[異議] created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.
If you nodded to any of these reasons, I’m with you. But these are all false beliefs in our mind. It’s about how you say no, rather than the fact you’re
saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Saying no is your prerogative[特權(quán)].
Seven Simple Ways to Say “No”
Rather than avoid it altogether, it’s all about
learning the right way to say no. It’s really not as bad as you think. Other people are very understanding and don’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind. Here are seven simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.
1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”
If you are too busy to engage in the
request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the
moment, so he/she should hold off[拖延] on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better.
2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we
reconnect at X time?”
It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of
something. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting
another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off[(故意)不赴約].
3. “I’d love to do this, but…”
I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to someone. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s only because you can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior[先前的] commitments or different needs.
4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”
This is more like a “maybe” than a straight out “no.” If you are interested but you don’t want to say “yes” just yet, use this. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date/time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.
5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now, but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”
If someone is pitching[推銷] a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out
that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion
can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person knows there’s nothing wrong with what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.
6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”
If you are being asked for help with something which you can’t contribute much to or don’t have
resources for, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow up on―whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. In this way you help steer[引導(dǎo)] the person to the right place.
7. “No, I can’t.”
The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. These barriers are often self-created and not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it
outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.
Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs and once you do that you’ll find out how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work, and things that are most important to you. You’ll be